30somethingandsearching

Have you ever met someone that just breaks your heart?  Repeatedly?

I know a little girl who has broken my heart since the day she was born.  I’ve never known anyone else that can do that.

She is 12 now.

This child was born into a turbulent relationship.  Her father was a druggie at the time.  I don’t know if he was considered an addict, but I do know he chose drugs.  He was mentally abusive to my friend and after she got pregnant, he became physically abusive.

This little girl, we will call her “C,” was born into that chaos.

“C” is fortunate to have been born to a mother who realized early that it was not a situation for a child.  She took steps to get away from him and protect her daughter. 

Before she could get away, my friend was building a case to obtain an order of protection.  “C” had to witness a lot of screaming and fighting.  She was used by her father as a tool to manipulate her mother.  He held her over his head, out of her mother’s reach, while threatening to kill her and her mother.  He repeatedly threatened both of their lives.  (He is so lucky he never did any of this in front of me, I would have unleashed my wrath)

From the beginning, I knew “C” was going to have a lot of emotional issues as she got older.  How could she not?

When my friend was working to get away from him, she went back to school.  She knew she had to be able to support herself without his help.  I went with her to help her decide what she should go for.  I went with her and fought with the financial aid department when she did not know what else to say or do.  I took care of “C” while she was in classes, which were conveniently on days I was home. 

I fell head over heels for that child.  She was the first baby among all my friends and family.  Because of that alone, she was special to me.

Add all the other issues to that and she has always been in my heart.

As the years have passed, my friend got away from the father and has fought him in court repeatedly.  The laws have changed to protect the rights of the father, which in most cases I agree with, but in this case is a shame.

She has never been able to stop the courts from forcing “C” to see her father.  Even though my friend has documented cases of him drinking and driving, getting high with her present and all kinds of other causes for suspending visitation.

“C” is one of the most intelligent children I have ever known.  She is funny and beautiful and sweet.  She is a good kid and has a really impressive relationship with her mother.

My friend remarried and “C” calls her step-dad “daddy.”  She was about 4 or 5 when my friend met her husband.  “C” fell in love with him as much as her mother did.  She wanted her to marry him so he could always be her daddy.  

I don’t see “C” as much as I had thought I would back when her mom was in school.  Regardless, I love that girl so much. 

My friend tells me stories about her (and her siblings), as all moms do. 

I asked her how “C” is dealing with having to see her father, because for a long time, she hated it.  She cried because she did not want to go.

She still does not like it, but she understands that he is her dad.  She says she feels like she is the parent and he is the child.  At 12, her reading level passed his 4 years ago.  He is 39.  They don’t know what to talk about and they don’t know each other.  “C” says this. 

She likes to go sometimes because he lives with his girlfriend and her 2 kids, and they do fun things on occasion, like going to festivals.  At the same time, his girlfriend and her kids can be mean to her and expose her to things that I would not be able to handle if I were her mother.  My friend cannot get the courts to see how unhealthy and unsafe this environment is for “C.”

My friend has since had 2 more kids.  When she became pregnant with #3, “C” was upset.  My friend got the reason out of her.  “C” told her that when she married her husband, her mother stopped loving her a little.  When she had her second child, she stopped loving her even more and if there were to be a 3^rd, she was afraid she’d stop loving her more.

My friend was shocked and talked to her.  Of course she didn’t stop loving her.  She never could.

When she tells me these stories, I can just feel this child.  She is so insecure and needing more reassurance and approval than is healthy.

She breaks my heart.  I don’t think my words can convey this to you.  One of my friends reads my blog; she knows what I mean when I say I am extremely empathetic.  I mean that I feel this child’s pain.  My heart breaks because I know her pain.  No child should ever have to feel what she feels. 

She is 12.  I hope that as she gets older she can learn to deal with all of this in a healthy way.  She has a good start having a mother who talks to her about everything and whom she can talk to about anything.  I just know that she will always break my heart.

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