I was shopping the other day for a birthday gift for my brother-in-law.
How shall I describe him?
He is a computer geek. I don’t know exactly what he does at his job, but he has built computers for my step-dad before. He’s a smart guy. He’s funny. He’s creative. He is a great artist and plays guitar. He’s a good dad and a good husband to my sister. I love him and he is the brother I never had.
He can also be very annoying. He is hyper and takes pleasure in irritating people. He sometimes is too strict or expects too much from my niece and nephew. He is too much like my father in some ways, which is not a good thing. He is also somewhat homophobic.
I say somewhat because he does not feel the need to deny equal rights, like some do. He also doesn’t say hateful things.
He is, however, afraid of gay men hitting on him or being taken as gay. There was a restaurant called the Mashed Potato Club in Chicago that was known for really hot, gay waiters. They often hit on my brother-in-law when a group of couples would go there. It freaked him out.
I have several gay/lesbian friends. A couple of years ago, one lesbian friend and I spent a lot of time together for a few months. She needed someone to lean on and we both had a lot of free time. He constantly questioned if she was my girlfriend. He would quickly follow up by saying it would be okay if she were.
I’m straight and it WOULD be okay if I were gay, however, I found it annoying that it was the topic of conversation every time I saw him those few months.
What I find most annoying is the way he is with my nephew. My 3 ½ year old nephew loves to dance. He always has. My 6-year-old niece is in ballet and he imitates her. He watches from the sidelines and he points his toe and moves his foot like the girls in the class.
My brother-in-law asked him one day what activities he’d like to be in and he said he wants to dance like his sister. My step-dad took ballet, so in our house, it’s not a big deal, but he thinks it will make the boy gay, as if dancing (or any other activity) could change your sexual orientation.
He also has a thing about certain clothes being “gay.” Clothes that my nephew wears, like sweater vests, which are cute on a 3 year old, and clothes that he wears. If they are “gay” according to him, he won’t wear it and protests about my nephew wearing it. My sister over rules him with the kids’ clothes.
He is not really what I consider a manly man when it comes to his wardrobe, but he has a certain style. We try to make that style as fashionable as possible, but you can’t force someone to wear clothes they don’t like, so when we shop we have to stick to the rules of his style.
While shopping for his birthday gift, I saw a lot of nice dress shirts and more fashionable items that I love. He would never wear them because the fabric, pattern, or color are too metro-sexual for him. He would look at those shirts and say they were too “gay.”
(Shirts as simple as these would be considered “gay” to by my bro-in-law)
photo credit: nordstrom.com 
photo credit: kohls.com
I personally do not like or use the word “gay” to describe something I don’t like.
When I was 10, 11, 12, even 13, this was a common expression, as was “retarded,” to describe something that was of bad taste, ugly, boring, or otherwise unacceptable.
When we were 10, 11, 12 or even 13, we did not realize how offensive and hurtful these words were.
I imagine some of you might use these words because you grew up in the 80’s like we did and used them nonchalantly like we did.
I sometimes slip without thinking when I’m around my sister and brother-in-law. It is rare, but it has happened. I do my best not to say these things, however, the same lesbian friend I referenced earlier told me that in college, she had to give an oral report about a topic and she spoke about coming out.
During a very curious question and answer session, a classmate asked how she felt about the use of the word “gay” the way I mentioned above. My friend said she doesn’t particularly like it but as long as you’re not referencing her specifically, meaning replacing the word gay with her name, she doesn’t mind.
My brother-in-law, and my sister, use these words regularly. On the one hand, I understand that they grew up using these words without a second thought. On the other hand, I understand that it is very hurtful. To me I am more offended by the use of “retarded” in this manner, but I find both juvenile.
****** I just noticed one of the ads under the title of this post. It is about homosexual rehab and treatment. I do not select the ads on this blog, so I wanted to make clear that my readers know that I do not condone the idea of a rehab or treatment for homosexuals. I find it offensive, but again, I have no control over the ads. I do apologize for this. ******
